Antonia, My question is I want to find a non-pro female sex worker (someone who doesn’t strip, escort, etc) to have a night of fun with.  Like the next-door type/soccer mom.  I know that a lot of non-pro women would be up for it as a one time thing, but how do I find someone like that? I can’t stop pretty girls on the street and say “Hi, can I pay you to sleep with me?”  And I’m not into Facebook/social networks/etc…So I have no idea how to find someone like this.  Feel free to post this question on your blog and if anyone would like to contact me and has any suggestions, maybe they could contact you and you could fwd the info. Thanks!

-G-

Dear Mr. G,  Tons of guys want a hooker who’s not a hooker.  It’s a request that has haunted me for years. I’ve read ads exactly like your letter and heard it from the mouths of many clients. Limited by my own experiences and opinions,  I spoke to one straight man and five women: sex workers and non-sex workers alike. Additionally, I filmed a healer named Alexis in order to answer your question and will have that plugged on here soon (edit: now playing).

Before you get thrown in jail for solicitation or punched in the nose for pissing off soccer Mom’s everywhere, let’s examine what bubbles beneath the surface of the want: Your desire for a non pro for a night of paid fun.

I think that men who want hookers-who-aren’t-hookers have internalized some hostility towards women, towards sex workers specifically and are plagued with a tad of self loathing. My hope is to drag those hostilities out into the light and scatter them like trash so you can see what’s what. Then I will help you get laid.

*Entitlement.

As a man,  you’ve been trained by our culture to believe women are at your sexual disposal and you feel entitled to them.  You imagine that every woman has a price tag attached to her chest. Why would you think otherwise? Our culture hurls gorgeous, sexy women at you from every angle promising ecstasy and fulfillment. Why would you want to convince a woman to take your money who is not a sex worker? It’s manipulative and demeaning. Don’t do it.

What I’m getting at, G,  is you don’t really want a non-escort, non-stripper,  soccer Mom for a night of paid fun. You want to hire a sex worker to play the role of girl-next-door, soccer Mom.  You want her to do this flawlessly.

You want her to be buttoned-up, combed and spritzed with lavender scented aromatherapy. You want car seats in the back of her SUV and a high end hair scrunchy to hold her shiny pony tail in a firm grip.  She’ll work part time in a flower shop and grasp a yoga mat under her waxed armpit. When you meet, she’ll sip a non-fat latte with no foam in sensible flats.  She’s never considered flaunting her nipples to legions of strangers for cash. Her name will be Jennifer. You need to get your ass on line and find Jennifer. You need to be specific and generous and kind and pay her handsomely.

* Client Shame.

You may be riddled with Client Shame. Our culture despises men who hire women for pay, unless they are Richard Gere and rescue, marry the girl (read:buy her out of the biz). Clients are seen as desperate douche bags, men who are undesirable, unattractive and sleazy.  You have internalized this client shame but I think it’s a form of self hatred exacerbated by our culture that seeks to feed you sex then criminalize you for buying it.Don’t believe the hype, G. It’s a trap.

It is worth asking yourself: what does it say about you if you hire a girl for sex? Does it make you less of a man? Can you love yourself and hire a woman to play a role?

Role play is fun and wild and safe. I recommend listening to Dan Savage’s podcast. He’s intelligent, hilarious and informative:http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLovePodcast/Page/

I suggest you make it a game. You want to live out a fantasy so have the courage to pursue it.

*Anti-sex worker sentiment

Our culture hotly desires women then hates them for becoming models and adult entertainers. They are considered the most disposable demographic in our society and valued as commodities.  Along with children and animals, they are the most vulnerable to violent crime and exploitation. You have internalized this hostility, otherwise, why would you want a woman who is non-pro? Is the non-pro less sincere because she’s performing a role? If you want a NSA night of fun,  then you need to casually date.

This is a part-time job and you have to be willing to invest some time and energy. You will need to go on a dating site or join a bowling club or ask all of your guy friends to hook you up. You need to get your entitled, self loathing ass on line and do a bit of work and find someone fun and ask them to play out your fantasy with you.

When you find someone fun and sweet and game, you may want to do what I have done:

Years ago in SF, I dated a hot, butch, punk mohawked dyke who was briefly my slave. I told her to meet me at Café Du Nord. I said this:

When I come in, ignore me. No matter what I do, act disinterested in me. After a few minutes, go to the bathroom. I will follow you and shove you against the wall.

I will hand you a hundred dollar bill and proposition you.  ”Come home with me and eat my pussy until I come.” No matter how long it takes, you’ll do it and you’ll take the money, and then you will leave. It was one of the most fun dates I’ve ever had.

Happy Role playing, Mister G.

Sister Golden Hair by Sheila Hiber