“Rants” is my willingness to be sloppy. It’s the prose before the refinement happens. It’s mostly about my experiences in the sex industry, where desire begins and ends and where I curl myself around it and play. These stories contain places I hide myself, travel to, dance and scream. Dig in.
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Hey Antonia! I met you at The Good Luck bar – for like, 2 seconds – when David Ulin was signing our books. I got my MFA in poetry from Antioch in ’04. Anyway, you mentioned Rumpus and that was the first I’d heard about it. Then I’m at Joe’s pizza (of NY, like myself) and the (very tattooed) guy behind the counter, Greg, mentioned it to me. He knew who you were and I thought, “ok that’s twice in one week. Maybe I’d better check this out!” So, I did. I like your writing and wanted to let you know. Great meeting you. Perhaps our paths will cross again…
Suzan
Hey Suzan, so nice to meet you. That was a terrific lineup. David Ulin came to Antioch before I went there. Do you like his new book? Can I add your link to my favorites?
I love your work. Will you exchange links with me?
Love Widow
Thank you. Absolutely. Consider it done.
Hi Antonia,
Wondering about your memoir that we discussed briefly at Rob/David reading? Let me know if I can be of help. Best, Roy
PS: Stay in touch with Vanessa, she has incredible instincts as an editor and writer.
Hi Antonia,
I produce a zine called SanFranSexy which highlights sex positive culture in San Francisco, and would love to feature some of your work. My line up of contributors includes Carol Queen, Charlie Glickman and various other fabulous folks. Let me know if you’re interested and I can send you the details.
I love your writing!
I love the words here. I run a small press out of Detroit called Black Coffee Press. If you got a manuscript send it my way. We publish cool shit with an edge.
Hi Black Coffee Press, Will send you email now.
Just wanted to say “sup” and let you know that today I was reflecting on the times of KHPB and old friends we had, including the lovely Ms. Grant…….its crazy to really look back and first think about all the people we touched, the people that touched us, the experiences, and those connections that stay with you. it is both sad and happy to reflect and remember and give into the fog of nostalgia for just a few minutes to think how things may have been and have been. i am always grateful for meeting (some) of the people there; and really happy to NOT be a part of most people there, and throw the rest into my bag of things that “make me, me”. i appreciate you, your memories, your friendship, your love, your stories, your writings, your aura and most of all appreciate you. loosing people during out lives is always startling, sad, sorrowful, souly soulful and also wholly happy both because i can take solace in my belief that they have entered the next phase in their journey and because they will always be with us in mind. fuck the rest, because when there is love involved, then anytime somebody has the gall to leave also just creates that sadness too. my grandmother passed away a year and a half ago, my best friend from high school was killed fifteen years ago next month, and many others in life continue to come and go – - – but with head held high I can honestly appreciate the dying of the light and the birth of a new shiny person, place or thing. i hope that you have a really good day, week and on and on. Keep taking care of yourself, watch yourself, be careful with yourself, and remember your friend Dude who is still chillen in Portland and once and awhile checking up on you. keep writing, and once i get my act together (and this horrible case of writers block i have been trying to break from for over 3 years now) i will be sending you some stuff too. much love, mando.
haha…sorry, i thought this was your private email – - you may want to take my post off! :-/ hope you are well.
you taught me how to play “liars Dice” cant rememberhow old we were. lasy five years i can tell you all about, but the 20yrs before that are kind of blur. we were in the same towns at the same times so im sure we met numerous times at, gigs,clubs, or parties in SF, L.A., NY, or Atlanta and had no idea who each of us were. Just wanted to say hello and i truly love your style of writing, an oldfriend of mine, Michael Dean, from SF is a writer as well, and you are the only person i have read that gave me that same feeling. the feeling as if im there in the moment you are writing of, so thank you for allowing your talent to rise to surface through all your trials. My life is amazing now, but i lost my love for my talents, or I actually I am Scared of my talents…but thats my own weird insecurities.Ive been foollowing your writings for a while but have never made contact until now, when I read how you learned how to play “Liars Dice” It forced the memory of all of us at probably 14yrs getting drunk at your house on Buhne Hill. a girl named Sheri(i think)my buddy Morgan Davis, me (Tim Flemming) and a cuple other freinds. We smoked cigars, got drunk, and you taught me “Liars Dice” keep up the incredible work Antonia you are Amazingly talented. My Sister makes films in L.A. im back in Humboldt since 1998 but im in LA all the time,so maybe we will run into each other one day. Have a great Life! p.s. this is tim flemming, dont feel bad if you dont remember me…last time i saw you, we were drunk and 14 in Eureka ca hahahaha…
Hey,
Been following your blog for a while now & think it’s great. I used to strip in SF & am working on a documentary about the strip clubs & labor conditions (www.licensetopimp.com).
I’m going to NOLA next wk (to show a short doc film @ the New Orleans Film Fest). I’d love to meet up with some strippers while I’m there. Any suggestions? Also would love to meet any sex workers who are impacted by the Sex Offender registration via the Soliticitation of Crimes Against Nature (SCAN).
It’s been a great half hour trawling through your blog – I write my own on being a stripper in the UK, so I love reading other peoples experiences. You fancy doing a guest post? check out my blog and email me at http://sassylapdancer.blogspot.com/ I would love to get some insights form a dancer who worked in a different country and culture to me
Keep up the scribbling xxx
Dear Antonia: Thank you for writing about your life. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable. Writing about the world of sex workers as you do helps me a great deal. My addiction pulled me into that world like barbed hooks on my bleeding soul ratcheting me deeper and deeper. First I flirted with the New Orleans women, then I visited the many strip clubs, and then finally I found myself in the desperate, dirty strip clubs. Through that process I fell in love with a tall blonde dancer who worked at a club on Iberville. When I was with her, Mr. Hyde promised her the sun and the moon and the stars, while the people in Dr. Jekyl’s world were being betrayed and hurt. Reading your vibrant descriptions of your life as a sex worked helped me see her perspective. It also reminded me of the constant urgency in her life. There was always some hustle on the agenda. And I now understand where I stood. I was just another client she manipulated for money. I thought I was showering her with love (the first book I bought her was “All about love” by bell hooks in fact), while she steered my deluded thinking to ensure I would give her things so she could pay her rent, etc. I’m working hard on that addiction stuff and a lot of it seems to be about letting go. Your essays have provided me with the understanding I needed to more easily let go of the tall blonde and realize it’s a world where I don’t belong.
I hope you do well with your future. I enjoy what you write and I especially appreciate the change of pace as you move from times with friends you care about, to your deep feelings about your mom, and then to the fast charged pace of the stripper world. I would like to hear you thoughts about some of the bigger messages also. For example, what do you think about spirituality? Best of luck and please keep writing.
Dear Flower Man, There was a time in my life where most of my friends were terribly unmanageable. By this I mean, they led very dramatic lives and floated from crisis to crisis. They seemed to use lovers like drugs, they made abrupt erratic moves without much reflection or thought and they struggled against life. I surrounded myself with them because they were me. I didn’t know how to land, be still, calm, be a good listener or a safe person. Generally speaking, your blonde stripper from Penthouse was probably a mirror for you, reflecting your most troubled parts. I’m sure she enjoyed your companionship. Don’t hold her job against her-or her environment. You were there for your reasons. She was there for her reasons. Perhaps what you had was sweet and real and just for those moments. That’s okay too. Maybe the Bell Hooks book will change her life. You offered her help and adoration and I’m sure she appreciated what you did for her. And it seems like you’ve found the tunnel out.
Best,
Antonia
I can just hear my friend’s reply to you thinking she worked at Penthouse. She would say “oh my god” and follow that with her rough, rattly laugh.
Thank you for your reply. It was very insightful. The people around me always wrapped my relationship with her in judgment. You are able to see it for what it was and in particular recognize that yes indeed there were tender moments. A respected psychologist said a similar thing of me seeing part of myself in her and mentioned Jung. A follow-up comment was, in thinking I might “save” her, I really wanted to be saved myself. I’m sure you have seen all these dimensions played out many times over.
I hope to see your book published. You clearly have a lot to offer the world from your experiences, but also from sharing the changes you have made. And it sounds like your book will have a happy ending, as in happy, joyous, and free.
With love and respect,
The man who likes flowers
Dearest Antonia:
As I read your tales there seems to be a common thread and that is addiction. Of course for you, you mention AA. But when you talk about hoping to make a windfall in suitcases of cash through you work, I can’t help think of another dimension of addiction you seem to gloss over. Maybe the men who come to you are well-grounded, happy, joyous and free. But my guess is, quite a few are wrapped up in addiction and you are their elixir. I know for myself, in a state of delusion and loneliness I gave away thousands to my tall blond in presents and cash (while maintaining a platonic relationship pretending I was being loyal). I wanted my stripper to love me and say I was special. But the money was really meant for my son to buy him a car. So I wonder what stories are behind the cash that has gone your way. And I know at times the amounts were large. I would bet in many cases the benefits you reaped were balanced on the other side with tragedy; wives neglected, kids missing out, credit card debt mounting and the general ruin of addiction out of control. In short, I feel a sadness for a part you seem to leave out.
I hope you are doing well.
Respectfully,
Flowerman
Dear flowerman, Hi again. There’s a quote from Rumi I want to share with you: “Outside of good behavior and bad behavior, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
Addiction is not something I’ve left out, but it’s very much implied and assumed in my story. I’m in a 12-step program and only did this work sober. That said, there were times that I did feel like a crack pipe passed between addicted men. I can only present what it was like from my side of the tracks. I’m not in the business of reading minds. Let’s give clients the benefit of the doubt: What if they were not just using me (or girls like me) to escape their responsibilities? What if they weren’t betraying a wife or with holding funds from their daughters college tuition? Many of the men I encountered knew their priorities and operated with those priorities in mind. Perhaps they were not addictive about sex. Who’s to say the girls didn’t enhance their lives? Or that your blonde didn’t enhance yours? At a certain point, clients-men-you-I have to assume full responsibility for our actions. Is it impossible to imagine that maybe a young pretty girl on stage doesn’t inspire a man to be great? to provide? To bring home the sex to his loved one? In the same way that not all strippers are sad, devastated women, not all men are causing others to suffer by acting out. Is it possible that people are unspeakably lonely? I’ve also spoken to many men who were completely utterly in love with their wives and I asked their advice. Of course, there are also the compulsive ones, acting out and causing grief. You should let me interview you for The Rumpus. We can just call you flowerman. Please say Yes.
Dear Sexy Ms. Crane (and I assume you can be sexy when you want to be):
In my view, your comments and questions paint a thin veil. Yes, everyone who has had a glass of merlot is not an alcoholic. Every man whose lap you have been on is not messed up about sex. So maybe we can bring this back to you. How many times (and rigorous honesty Antonia) did you selfishly prey on the vulnerabilities of men to get the cash you needed? You say you are not in the business of reading minds. That would make you unique with respect to every stripper/sex worker I have known. I bet the discussions in the locker room at Visions often involved honing your skills on sizing up men and figuring out how to extract the most amount of money possible from them. Or how many times where you conflicted in what you were doing and then acted out of eroticized rage? I am not saying this to be judgmental, but am suggesting you keep it real in a manner that Fyodor Dostoyevsky might have done. Dig in to the lives of all the players in your play and bring it all out of the shadows no matter how dark it may be.
As for another person to interview, I suggest you could go to that club on Iberville and talk to any John sitting at the bar with the mark of a wedding ring obvious on his hand and you will probably get a raw story similar to mine. Or perhaps you could track down the tall blond. If you do, please don’t let her know I suggested it. She is likely to get very angry, as she is prone to do. She might even allow you to get a picture of her naked arms (I’ve never seen them). That would tell a big part of her story.
Hasta,
Hombre de la flor
Dear Hombre de la flor, The tone of your latest comment troubled me. Remember, you came to me; not the other way around. And so I’ll take the liberty to do some mind reading off the clock (which isn’t mind reading at all. Goodness, you have spent time on Bourbon Street). What I sense from you is a personal tragedy which hurled you into a kind of grief-stricken chaos and in your spinning you were led astray— into the arms of a woman who was also stripper. We have a piece of that in common. I also delved into recklessness when I grieved my mother. I have no excuses. It simply comforted me. The blonde was doing her job. Her job was to build intrigue with you and get you to pay her for her time. It doesn’t mean that she was malicious. It would be malicious if you met her at a restaurant or bar and she told you she was a Denist, but she was a stripper. This is the hard part: It’s time you face facts. Was there a gun at your temple? No one made you drain your savings that your wife, daughter, or son needed for support. It’s not the blonde’s fault you lavished her with attention when you should have been more generous with your family. You lost some grounding and your priorities got wonky. It doesn’t make you a bad man. It makes you human.
All of your angry assumptions about women in the industry come from your hostile victim-hood. Here’s my twelve years of therapy leaking out: you seem hell bent on punishing sex workers for the one experience you had which you only now regret. You want to blame women for your mistakes, but the truth is, it cannot be undone. None of it. The tragedy or your response to it. Your erratic feelings and your need to blame someone else. I have an idea. Write your story. Email it to me.
I am not interested in collaborating on your story. It’s yours. It belongs to you. You may be surprised how good it feels.
Don’t be so paranoid about me, or my part in this. I’m not attached to the results.
Best of luck,
Antonia